#3 Jayme.

I couldn't have a blog if I didn't talk about one of the most important people in my life.  And that is my boyfriend of over 2 years, Jayme.

This is him.  My best friend, my confidant, my sanity and my common sense.

We have quite the interesting story.

It started in late 2004 when I saw he was friends with my friend Danielle on myspace.  I thought he was extremely cute and kinda stalked him out a couple of times.  Than to my surprise one day, he friend requested me.  And than we started talking via comments which lead to talking on AIM.  There's not much that I can say besides the fact that we instantly clicked.  His personality and sense of humor is so likable and contagious that it's insane.  It's impossible not to like him when you meet him.

By March, 2005 we were very close friends talking on AIM almost everyday and he walked at the mall about a half an hour away so one day I decided I had to meet him and see if he was really as amazing as he seemed online.  I stalked him at his job and one hug is all it took for me to decide that I could definitely see myself with him.  Did it turn out that way?  Not exactly. He wanted to go out with me but I valued his friendship way too much to want a relationship with him at the time.

This is how things went for a few years, I started dating the biggest mistake ever and he started dating another mistake.  We were both unhappy with our significant others and always turned to each other for comfort.  I broke up with my ex in 2007 and finally came out of the closet, if you will, about my stronger than friends feelings for him.  At the time he was shocked, because he thought I didn't have feelings for him, but the truth was, I always had feelings for him I was just stupid and never pursued him when he was available.  So at the time I was pretty much like, I have feelings for you but I have no intents on coming in between you and your girl.

So we were still friends, and than winter 2008 came.  Things with his girl became really bad and one thing lead to the other, I wound up driving to his house in the middle of the night and we had sex.  What was meant to be a one time thing turned into a weekly affair in which I completely fell in love with him.  And he would later tell me that's when he fell in love with me too.  But at the time he was in a bad position where he was living and he still wanted to give his ex a chance, so he moved to upstate NY where she lived.  Before this I asked him to choose between me and her and he chose her.  And I was totally devastated for the longest time, even though I tried not to admit it to myself.

That's when we stopped talking for 10 months.  He left in April, the next time we would speak would be on and off during that following Fall where more than once he confided in me that he wanted to move back home but couldnt.  It got to the point where I thought he was full of shit and started to give up on him.

Than he came home to visit for New Years 2009 and I found out through my friend Danielle that he was back in town so I called him and we met up and wound up having sex two nights in a row.  That is when I knew I would wait forever for him, because he was definitely worth it all.

That was January, he went back up state, and I didnt hear from him until Valentines Day, when he told me he had broke up with his gf for good and was moving back down to Long Island.  He would later told me that he felt like he was betraying me more than he was betraying his actual gf because he said his feelings for me were always stronger.

I know he kinda sounds like an asshole throughout the ending of this story, but we've had so many late night talks about what he was going through with his ex and the conditions of being upstate, that it doesn't even matter.  The past is the past.

And we couldn't be more happy together.

I am so glad that I have him in my life.  He is really my everything.

And I really believe that we're going to spend the rest of our lives together.  Theres no doubt in my mind.

And that's our story!

Us on our 2 year anniversary =)

#2 My life

The past couple of days have been really hard for me.   My life is a constant struggle.  A struggle for control of my emotions, a struggle for making myself a better person, a struggle to get into Nursing school.  Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to make it.

I have type two bipolar disorder.  For those of you who don't know what that means, it means that I get into deep almost unbearable depressions, I am almost constantly anxious and worrying over any little thing that comes to my mind.  My mind races to the point where I think I have no control over it, and I have to take four medications a day just to stay minimally sane.  I have very low self esteem at times, to the point where I feel like I am never going to be able to accomplish anything in my life.  Which isnt true.

Though I am 24 years old, have no sort of degree from college even though I've been attending a variety of colleges for 7 years.  But college hasn't always been possible for me.  I have only recently (The past year and a half) been stable enough where I've completed the core classes I need to get into Nursing school, before that, I would be registered for the classes, and have complete meltdowns before midterms to the point where I withdrew from the classes altogether.

Becoming a Nurse is the only thing I want to do with my life.  I feel like its where I belong.  Helping people has always been sometime I strived to do.  When I graduated high school I went to Manhattan College in hopes of becoming a doctor.  2 semesters there made me realize that premed was not going to be possible for me.  Even though sometimes I think that if I went back now and started I could do it now, I'm not really wanting to commit to having 10 more years of school ahead of me now that I'm 24.  Being a nurse will give me everything I wanted in becoming a doctor just more toned down.

I'm currently waiting on rejection letters acceptance letters from two schools.  I took the NLN PAX exam yesterday (Saturday) and actually scored pretty high.  A form of frustration and to be honest complete heartbreak came to me last night when I went on the Farmingdale State College website to check the status of my application and it said "Application Declined" on it.  Yet where it says "Application Preference" it says it has not yet been entered.  The mere thought that I will get rejected from school just kills me.  I've been putting  my heart, my soul, blood, tears, into the past couple of years in getting the prereqs done and working so hard at my classes, to be rejected from school would just kill me.  Now I know it seems pretty certain that I am not getting into Farmingdale, I still havent heard back from my #1 choice Nursing program which is at Suffolk County Community College.

Seeing this application denied on my account really was a wake up call for me.  I will do whatever is necessary to get into Nursing school, because I truly feel that this is what I was meant to do.  I spent the past 2 and a half weeks studying for the NLN exam.  If I have to take it over and reapply next year that is what I will do.  But I really don't know anything for certain yet.  I am now also looking into applying to a nursing program that's in Manhattan.  Being in the city would be a pain in the ass but it would also be an awesome experience.

I will do what it takes to make something out of myself because I refuse to let my illness get the best of me.  No matter how down I get I have to keep myself up.  So what if its a million times harder to do than a normal person?

#1 New blog!

So I have been a livejournal user since I was 15 years old but I definitely think it's time to try something new.  I wish uber still existed, that was my favorite blog site.  When I get a web cam I'm definitely gonna start video blogging again.  I'll do a whole bio of myself later on.  But yeah testing the waters out!