Sunday, March 13, 2011

#2 My life

The past couple of days have been really hard for me.   My life is a constant struggle.  A struggle for control of my emotions, a struggle for making myself a better person, a struggle to get into Nursing school.  Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to make it.

I have type two bipolar disorder.  For those of you who don't know what that means, it means that I get into deep almost unbearable depressions, I am almost constantly anxious and worrying over any little thing that comes to my mind.  My mind races to the point where I think I have no control over it, and I have to take four medications a day just to stay minimally sane.  I have very low self esteem at times, to the point where I feel like I am never going to be able to accomplish anything in my life.  Which isnt true.

Though I am 24 years old, have no sort of degree from college even though I've been attending a variety of colleges for 7 years.  But college hasn't always been possible for me.  I have only recently (The past year and a half) been stable enough where I've completed the core classes I need to get into Nursing school, before that, I would be registered for the classes, and have complete meltdowns before midterms to the point where I withdrew from the classes altogether.

Becoming a Nurse is the only thing I want to do with my life.  I feel like its where I belong.  Helping people has always been sometime I strived to do.  When I graduated high school I went to Manhattan College in hopes of becoming a doctor.  2 semesters there made me realize that premed was not going to be possible for me.  Even though sometimes I think that if I went back now and started I could do it now, I'm not really wanting to commit to having 10 more years of school ahead of me now that I'm 24.  Being a nurse will give me everything I wanted in becoming a doctor just more toned down.

I'm currently waiting on rejection letters acceptance letters from two schools.  I took the NLN PAX exam yesterday (Saturday) and actually scored pretty high.  A form of frustration and to be honest complete heartbreak came to me last night when I went on the Farmingdale State College website to check the status of my application and it said "Application Declined" on it.  Yet where it says "Application Preference" it says it has not yet been entered.  The mere thought that I will get rejected from school just kills me.  I've been putting  my heart, my soul, blood, tears, into the past couple of years in getting the prereqs done and working so hard at my classes, to be rejected from school would just kill me.  Now I know it seems pretty certain that I am not getting into Farmingdale, I still havent heard back from my #1 choice Nursing program which is at Suffolk County Community College.

Seeing this application denied on my account really was a wake up call for me.  I will do whatever is necessary to get into Nursing school, because I truly feel that this is what I was meant to do.  I spent the past 2 and a half weeks studying for the NLN exam.  If I have to take it over and reapply next year that is what I will do.  But I really don't know anything for certain yet.  I am now also looking into applying to a nursing program that's in Manhattan.  Being in the city would be a pain in the ass but it would also be an awesome experience.

I will do what it takes to make something out of myself because I refuse to let my illness get the best of me.  No matter how down I get I have to keep myself up.  So what if its a million times harder to do than a normal person?
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2 comments:

  1. LegalistaMarch 14, 2011 at 5:49 PM

    I know how hard it is to keep going while dealing with anxiety/depression. Though mine is nowhere near as rough as yours, its definitely affecting my day to day life.

    I wish I had words of wisdom. What I have found to be my solace is an obsession in something healthy. Is it good? Probably not (I've noticed I have a VERY OCD personality with things). But it keeps me somewhat sane.

    I think you starting to work out again will really help. My obsession = health and fitness. I literally spend all of my free time (and sometimes class time) researching it. But it keeps me sane when law drives me crazy. Maybe it'll do the same for you? Exercise releases endorphins, which increases a mood. Sweat it out sister. It ALWAYS makes me feel better, even if it makes me tired.

    Also, I noticed a HUGE change in my personality when I changed my eating habits. I switched to a mostly natural/plant based diet. And let me tell you, not only have I lost weight, but like I said, my moods are starting to get a LITTLE better. I still eat chicken/fish, but I eat a TON more beans, different plants (arugula + spinach = amazing salad base), and whole-grain only or non-wheat based grains. Try giving it a shot. Worse comes to worse, it doesn't work.

    This is long I'm sorry. I just really know what it feels like to struggle and feel hopeless. You're 24. You're young. There's a guy in one of my classes that is 75. And he's still going strong in law school. You still have your whoooooole life ahead of you. So what if it's not in the standard 4 years?! My friend Jacki went back to undergrad and she's 27. It just depends what works for YOU.

    The only person who can define personal failure is you.

    XOXO

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  2. MelissaBMarch 14, 2011 at 6:27 PM

    Thank you so much for this comment. It really gave me a lot to think about and really made me feel better. I appreciate it so much and I'm definitely going to look into the more natural/plant type of diet, because I think that's definitely worth a try! And I have started working out again I'm just back to square one and gotta keep at it. Thanks for the motivation!!! <3333

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